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Posts by Tanya Killick :

August 1 2022

‘Adopt a Change’ Pilot training!

tanya News, Past Events Adoptee voices, Adoption, Adoption Training, Adoption UK

Sometimes it feels like the Children in Care Council (CICC) – a place where children and young people in care can share their experiences of the care system, to help their ‘corporate parents’ get things right and look after them properly – are light years ahead of us in terms of voice and influence work, with the world of adoption playing a big game of catch up.

‘Total Respect’ training which has been designed and developed by young people in care has been around for over 15 years, with the aim of improving practice and knowledge of professionals who work with them. It also empowers young people who often have very little say over their own lives and their training has had huge success in influencing change. Professionals love to hear and learn directly from young people who can share their personal experiences first hand… and unfiltered!

Our ‘Adopt a Change’ pilot training in Leeds on 24 April 2022 was attended by 17 professionals from PAC-UK and One Adoption!

We figured our Adopteens would be brilliant at this, so PAC-UK worked closely with our Family Action fundraising team to secure funding from BBC Children in Need to develop our very own one-day training course for professionals working with adoptees.

Nine young people from our Adopteens service joined the project, which they very aptly chose to name ‘Adopt a Change’ in the hope professionals adopt a change in their own practice after attending our training.

Preparation work to develop ‘Adopt a Change’ training content started in February 2022 with a team building day at Herd Farm, which was closely followed for six group consultation sessions via Zoom. We then returned to Herd Farm for a weekend residential to really build those relationships and pull together the work we had done so far into something vaguely deliverable!

One young person shared:

“The most enjoyable bit for me was that I have made unexpected friends with new people who turn out to be a lot like me.”

On 24 April 2022 we held our first ‘Adopt a Change’ pilot training session in Leeds, We wanted to test the waters of the workshops the young people had designed and hoped to gain some valuable feedback to further shape the training – ensuring both their needs and professionals needs were met.

Our audience consisted of 17 professionals from PAC-UK and One Adoption. There was a great mixture of managers (two had travelled up from London specifically to attend!), therapists, counsellors, social workers and support service staff, who all experienced a morning full of surprises.

Five incredible young people led the training which consisted of three themed workshops, that were all interlinked:

The first workshop looked at a tool that could be used by professionals to help build relationships with young people in a safe and gentle way
The second workshop looked at several statements the young people either have had said to them or they feel about themselves – we asked participants to feedback their views on these statements to look at the assumptions and views (sometimes unconscious biases) we can all hold
The third and most impactful workshop was an immersive exercise around the school experience for our young people, which was both hilarious and very challenging

We hadn’t rehearsed the whole event, so it was fresh and exciting and we had no idea how it would pan out, but we had a strong underlying faith in our young people and in the process and we were absolutely right to, because they all smashed it out of the park!

Their confidence grew as the morning went on, some young people spontaneously went to talk to attendees and many shared experiences and thoughts that were not planned but were very poignant and helpful. Most of all they supported each other and that consideration and respect shone through.

“It was nice to see that so many people attended and it was interesting how the workers were absorbing information like sponges, we could see this in their eyes and that was reassuring to see.”

We were thrilled with the Survey Monkey feedback we received from attendees, below are just a few examples:

“Excellent presentation. So well thought through it was hard to believe they are all still of school age. Their skills and abilities in planning and delivering training at this level was astounding.”

“I am so looking forward to seeing the next stages of this training develop, as if this is a shape of what is to come this is the most exciting training that I’ve been privy to in years.”

‘It was excellent from start to finish and the training was designed not just to give you a narrative experience, it immersed you brilliantly and cleverly into what the world of an adopted young person might feel like. This is what will bring much needed change for professionals when working with adopted and care experienced young people.”

“The young people did exceptionally well to deliver this pilot training and despite being nervous they conducted themselves in a manner that I can commend, they were supportive of each other and this was humbling to see.”

It was a really enjoyable and exhausting day and we learnt so much from it. Young people shared how much of a confidence boost it has been and also how they feel they might be a step closer to ‘productive and useful change’.

Next on the agenda is to look at what we’ve learnt, tweak our existing workshops and design the second half of the training. We can share that we have worked with brilliant theatre maker, performer and facilitator, Natalie Belli ngham who has helped bring out their inner teachers and will involve some brilliant acting from the group (accents and all).

Tanya Killick & Adopteens | May 2022

October 22 2021

Adopted For Life

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In this month’s PAC-UK guest blog Tanya Killick shares a ‘behind the scenes’ account of our ‘Adopted for life’ filming day with our Adopteens Service. We premiered ‘Adopted for life’ at our ‘Voices of adopted people: Messages for change’ event that took place on Monday 18 October 2021 during National Adoption Week. The event was a huge success, with over 200 people attending – this is the first time the film has been shared publicly. A huge thank you from all at PAC-UK to our incredible Adopteens for sharing their stories.[closeintro]

Sat at the twinkly bar, in the Queens Hotel Leeds, with an untouched celebratory drink in hand, we breathed a collective sigh that can only come from the knowledge that you have just witnessed something incredibly special.

‘I have waited for this day for the last 6 years’ I said. ‘There is enough content to make an entire documentary let alone a 10 minute film’

Brad, our extremely talented film maker who the previous week had been working with the likes of Selina Gomez and Jamie Oliver, had a very tricky editing job on his hands. We bid farewell and wished him good luck, secretly all relieved that we didn’t have that responsibility on our shoulders. What would you cut out? How could you decide what stayed and what didn’t make the film? It was all so on point, all so honest and ALL so important for people to hear.

5 young adults invited to come tell us parts of their story and share what messages for change they wanted to give back to the sector. 5 young adults all with different beginnings and all with different experiences, some we knew well and some we had never met before. We had no idea how the day would go; would people turn up, would they be ok with the camera, the questions, had we prepared everyone enough?

Despite all these worries though, we knew we were in a safe pair of hands and that we needed to trust the process; and it didn’t take long for us to realise that our fears were baseless, because as each person turned up the group grew louder, more laughter flowed and as workers we just kept giving each other that knowing look when you know you’ve hit on something special because it was absolutely effortless.

Each person had an interview where Brad settled them in front of the camera, made them laugh, learnt what they ate (or didn’t eat) for breakfast, twiddled with the lighting for the umpteenth time and then started asking the important stuff. We sat in on each interview for support and prompt if needed, but it wasn’t needed. Each person took each question rolled it around their mouth and spat the answer right out. Almost as if they had been waiting a long time to be asked those questions.

Brad shared his unique position as filmmaker, explaining that often people rarely get to talk uninterrupted and genuinely feel heard, but the camera is the ultimate ear and Brad does not interrupt. He knows he can only use a small amount of what each person says, but that isn’t the point, and the person being interviewed also knows that. I was in awe of their ability to express themselves and be such story tellers.

It was different to the film ‘Voices’ we made 5 years ago with our teenage Adopteens members. There was more freedom with what they were saying, mixed with more self belief and a maturity that comes with being a young 20 something with a little more weight of responsibility on your shoulders.

I don’t think the two films are comparable because they each tell the story at a point in time in the lives of those individuals who shared their stories, and each film has a different purpose. They are however beautifully complementary. “Adopted for Life’ is the perfect sequel to ‘Voices’ and I very much hope the series doesn’t end there.

What has been created within both of these films, Voices and Adopted for Life is the very essence of what it means to be adopted from those affected. It is honest, raw and beautifully impactful. These are the voices of a generation who are passionate and resolute in their desire for things to change and their messages are clear.

So it is over to those who make the changes. The policy makers, social care leaders and social workers, teachers and health professionals we urge you to sit up and listen and allow these voices and experiences to influence what you do, how you do it and why you do it and we look forward to seeing what this looks like.

PAC-UK presents: Adopted for life

Tanya Killick | October 2021

Please note, all content published on this page is provided by our guest blogger/s, based on their real-life experiences. We invite you to discuss this blog via PAC-UK’s Twitter profile and ask you to tag @PACUKadoption in to your posts and use the hashtag #PacukBlog

This blog is the eighteenth of our regular ‘guest blogger’ platform which we started in 2019. We would love to hear from adoptees, birth parents (and relatives), adoptive parents/carers, special guardians and professionals who are interested in taking part in future blogs. If this interests you please email le**@pa****.org.

November 19 2020

Film Review

tanya News Adoptees, Film review, News, Youth Council 0

Instant Family-Reality or Fiction?- How our young people felt about the portrayal.

During lockdown our youth council has been discussing how adoption is portrayed in the media – in films, books and TV shows. How adoption is portrayed in the media is so important because it’s where the general public get most of their information from about adoption – unless they have a personal connection to adoption and as adoptees we feel we are best placed to challenge anything we think is misleading, confusing or potentially harmful. So we thought we’d review one of the most recent popular films ‘Instant family’

It is described as ‘Idealistic couple Ellie and Pete find themselves overwhelmed when they open up their home to foster teenager Lizzy and her two younger siblings, Juan and Lita. With the help of fellow foster parents and agency workers they learn to navigate the joys and pitfalls of parenting to become a modern family’. This gives it a rather rosy, light hearted feel and after all it is a comedy so there was only so far the film could go into what adoption can really look and feel like for those involved and this was something Adopteens members definitely picked up and commented as follows: ‘It didn’t show the real extent of what can happen in families and doesn’t show how hard it is for children and the sadness they can feel’. But the group felt it did manage to show that adoption can be ‘complicated and that children come with their own history and feelings around how important birth parents are to them, as well as how that differs between siblings’.

They also felt the film picked up on ‘how each sibling can feel their experiences differently and each character had their own way of showing this with Lizzy often being angry & defiant opposed to Juan who was highly anxious and scared (as well as very clumsy) a lot of the time’

We asked how they felt the professionals were portrayed in the film with one asking ‘are they really that honest with parents and straight to the point?’ They also felt in real life ‘social workers aren’t as funny (sorry social workers) and take things more seriously, they wouldn’t just shrug it off or laugh, they would do something about it’

When we discussed the adoption day scenes the group shared ‘how harmful they thought those days could be for parents and children, for example if people made instant connections and then those relationships couldn’t continue.’ There was also some huge concerns about safeguarding of the children so we talked about how the film didn’t portray the adoption days accurately, and that there is usually far more involvement from professionals, with safeguards in place and not in an open park, but still there no escaping the fact that it felt like ‘selling children’ . One member talked about how she was matched with her parents in contrast to the film

‘My parents were offered a magazine called ‘Be My Parent’ which had loads of pictures and captions about various children all looking for a family. However, they felt this was too pick and choose and really disliked the idea of playing God. Instead their social worker said ‘I have a child in mind for you’ and showed them a basic file about me. This was partly down to my parents having a really good bond with their social worker, so over a few weeks she could think what child may be a good match with them. This has always seemed such a nicer way to match and more personal, however it relies on that connection and time with the social worker to make the link.’

We asked the group members what resonated with them the most about the film and they responded with a wide range of answers:

‘That the parents are trying so hard not to get it wrong that they get it wrong because they are overthinking it’

‘How the grandparents judged the parents for wanting to adopt at first and then they inspired others to adopt’

‘The importance of keeping that sibling connection. How it is their identity and the only thing that isn’t lost as they go through the care system because they still have each other’

‘When the little girl was screaming in the shop and came out with doll, parents trying so hard not to give in to the behaviour ’

‘The hairbrush scene, when the parent thought they had done something lovely and couldn’t understand why she had thrown it in the toilet’

Overall it wasn’t just a film about adoption. The group felt that lots of families that are made up in many different ways such as families with step children, or those where grandparents or other family members are guardians/ parents, or those born via surrogacy or donor could also relate to the film. “Not because your adopted, but because it is showing how different families come together, and about how people work together through their differences’

It ultimately ‘Showed how hard it can be to be human, that doing really hard things and commit to doing something is not easy and it was positive that they showed the reality of how, at times, we want to run away, but that more often than not we stick with it’. And they are really glad they stuck with it because they all agreed it definitely wouldn’t have been a comedy if they hadn’t!

August 27 2020

Adopteens – How we reshaped during lockdown

tanya News Adopteens, lockdown 0

In many ways I can’t believe it’s been 5 months since the lock down started, but in others it feels like an eternity. I’m sure that feeling resonates for many. The way we’ve been able to work with people has changed dramatically and our project like many of the other service across PAC-UK has had to adapt so we can continue to support and engage with our young people.

Here are some of the ways we’ve done that.

Adopteens Lockdown Pack

At the very beginning we wanted to make sure people felt that we hadn’t forgotten about them, we were conscious of people feeling isolated and disconnected so we wanted to try and help people feel held in mind; we also we wanted to send a little joy. So we put together our lockdown packs.

We successfully sent out 115 packs to young people who were signed up to our project. We have thought about sending packs out to new members after lockdown and possibly doing annual mail outs to all members as a way of reminding members what our service has to offer. For many families receiving the pack it has encouraged them to re-engage with our service.

The packs were greatly received by young people and parents alike. This is some of the feedback received –

“I just wanted to say thanks a million for the mailing. It injected a bit of excitement and interest into our Saturday and beyond. The boys have started working on their Covid 19 time capsules and seem to be quite into it!”

“Thanks for the activity pack. ***** and I enjoyed looking through it and he really enjoyed getting the post. We talked through the time capsule sheets which prompted a good conversation.”

“Thanks for the tea bags for **** and I, we are just about to have a cuppa, and thanks for the activity packs.”

“L really enjoyed the activity pack. He took it up with him at bed time and……well in his words “it was really good” so thank you. The children haven’t burnt any energy during the day, so getting to sleep is hard. Your pack kept L occupied for a while.”

Adopteens chat

We’ve had an online chat forum for a long time, but our struggle has been to get people using it consistently and be online at the same time, so we’ve introduced ‘Adopteens Chat’ every Wednesday evening from 7pm – 8.30pm. It’s for all members who have signed up to use the online chat forum and supported by two project workers. Its aim is to bring members on line at the same time each week to develop friendships. We have also secured funding to employ an Adoptee mentor who is an adopted adult and will run the chat with us… watch this space!

Activity Days

Our activity days thrive on face to face interaction, it’s been a huge loss to us, however we haven’t given in and we’ve instead delivered activities via Zoom. We’ve held 3 x online activity days (2 x scavenger hunts and a drawing game) which have got people moving, dressing up & being creative with some hilarious moments.

Following the success of these we have decided to continue to do activity meetings on a regular basis, We are always trying to think of new ideas and we’ve thought about an online baking competition and online Karaoke for those of you who love a sing along. Singing has loads of mental health benefits apparently so it’s a win win.

Youth Council plans

We will continue with Youth council meetings online via Zoom – following the success of previous meetings we feel this is a great way of keeping in touch with and hearing the voice of our members. We also run a WhatsApp group for Youth Council members which is supported by the Adopteen Project workers, this again is running well and the young people are finding it a good way to access support from each other and workers.

We’ve talked about all sorts in our Youth Council meetings from the impact of COVID, loneliness, online safety, mental health, black lives matters, and adoption in the mainstream media. And of course how much we miss face to face meetings!

Its not been an easy transition, but out of the struggle has come leanring and positives which we can continue to apply- we are certainly thinking about how we can use remote working to stay in touch with our members between face to face meetings and how we can link up with other adoption groups across Yorkshire and beyond!

August 27 2020

Wondering & Not Knowing; a way of life

tanya News 0

Covid-19 is a time that most people are missing out on all kinds of experiences and opportunities, not spending time with important people in their lives and the uncertainty of not being in the know, wondering when they will next be able to see certain people or what could happen to someone in the time they are apart. As of course time doesn’t stop, and lives carry on in so many ways. For the majority of people this is a new way of life and one they never could imagine happening. However, for me as an adoptee this is nothing new and has been part of my life as long as I can remember. So, people may now be able to better see the world the way the majority of adoptees do. Yes, it’s been more amplified due to higher risk and not knowing when it will end however it feels I have been trained for this and preparing.

I have experienced years of being away from my birth family especially from two of my birth grandparents, my birth mum and my sisters. Often thinking about what they are like and having many questions about their life, sometimes just little things, that others know like hobbies or recent holidays. The thinking of what might happen before I get to know them properly and meet them in person. Nothing can compare to sitting with someone chatting to them and seeing their facial expressions; these can be so important. Wondering if I will ever see them again as there has been an experience for me where I found out my grandad had gone. I hadn’t ever properly met him as I was too young when I was put in care, so I never got to tell him I loved him back or the fact I am doing alright.

This whole experience of being in the dark with only certain information and getting to really know those I hold close can be worrying and scary as it doesn’t always feel there is a simple way to find some light on it. It can be saddening facing the reality you may miss this chance completely due to restrictions that are out of your control. It’s a worry too as I can’t see into the future and can think of many things that may happen. For ages I wondered if all my grandparents were still alive as I know time is especially fragile for them. Even through this lockdown I don’t know what the situation is going to be like after as they do have health issues. It’s saddening knowing the little time after so long of being apart for nearly twelve years left with them is being taken away even more and I may never get all the memories or chances that could have been. It feels unfair as not everyone has to go through this. I have just got to wait and hope at the end of the day and try put that worry away. Thinking of what I would like to say or do when I see them. There is still a lot unknown about my story and my birth family. I was getting near to finding some of it out over the next few months with reading of my files and having more contact however this was mainly postponed due to everything going on, so I will have to wait even longer and think about what I may find out. It felt good that I was nearer to connecting the pieces of my life puzzle as it helped settle my mind and I could understand everything a bit clearer. It can be tough however I remember at least I am in stronger contact then I was before and I made some memories already with my birth family.

It is manageable though and can become easier in some ways over time, as you learn for it to become a way of life. I thankfully have always had some form of contact with two of my grandparents even if it’s very little. The yearly letter was so important to receive as it gave me basic updates on what they had been up to over the last year. The fact they were so key for me and any other important news on the rest of the family. It didn’t feel like I was so much in the dark about the rest of the family either. It helped with some of the worrying about them and I wondered less in some ways. Be thankful for any form of contact you have for example letters or phone calls and make the most out of them. Cherish them as they are things you can look back on as a kind of memory and moment experienced. It is better than having no contact at all and I always felt grateful that I had something. I knew eventually I would have more and looked forward to when that moment would come. Helps give a greater appreciation of being able to hug someone or see them face to face. The wondering over the years, not being able to see my birth family taught me a lot. It definitely was a good time to think and reflect looking back. It really helped with getting to know what family means and the fact you can still have a relationship without even seeing them or having much contact. There probably will always be questions of things that don’t make sense or what ifs, but I feel so thankful for the way things have turned out. As I said before it’s my way of life, so I don’t mind.

Tiegan Boyens – Young Adoptee

April 16 2020

Virtual me is not the whole me!

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Our teens share their advice on how they manage social media!

Use different user names for different social media accounts

Think about other people’s friends (friends of friends) because your birth family may be able to connect via them to your account

Profile picture – try using one that doesn’t have your face in, but something that you love or symbolises you.

Do not add people you don’t know. Ask yourself why they are contacting you? Quality of friends over quantity.

Think before sending pictures to people you do not know – the attention might feel nice, but people might not respond the way you want and you can’t ask for the picture back!!

Seek support before searching for birth family – a trusted adult, someone else who is adopted, or a social worker who can help you think about how safe it is as well as your hopes and fears.

STOP and think before sending instant messages – w wall say thinks in the heat of the moment, but it’s easier when you’re not face to face with someone – once your message is out there, you can’t undo it.